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The Blah Zone

frame from Dubtastic on Flickr
Hi - I'm still here - haven't run off to Hawaii again (darnit) just feeling a little out of it lately and not really in "blogging mode".

We celebrated Scott's 50th birthday on Saturday and he made his famous Irish Lamb Stew (it wasn't Irish lamb, but it was his Irish grandmother's recipe), and the sun came out, and we had the best German Chocolate cake EVER (from B & O Espresso), and it appeared that a good time was had by all.

But parties always take a lot out me, even when the attendees are beloved friends and family, so I was pretty zoned out yesterday and today I am still feeling fairly numb and in a fog. I have a sense that things are peculating below the surface or, like a cat, I sense the earthquake before it arrives. Does that sound a little melodramatic? Perhaps - but when I don't know what the stirrings below will bring about I assume the worst. I felt a little out of it in Hawaii too as if sometimes I was watching me from a distance but I wasn't really in my body. I keep hoping to discover that magic "be present" button -- but I know there isn't one.

Meditation has helped (even Scott says I seem calmer... or is that resigned?). I know this is common, but usually my mind is whirling through the entire meditation with thoughts like, "I need to make more coffee; want to change blog background, what color should it be this time?; How come so-n-so gets ten new followers a week, what is she doing that I'm not?; Will I ever be happy?; Why aren't I happy? What is wrong with me? I really need more coffee...." Etc. Then I remember Pema Chodron's suggestion to say inwardly, "thinking" which brushes away my cloud like thoughts, and go back to my breath - and that works - for a few breaths - then... "Wonder how many calories I've had today? Can I have that cupcake? Donuts have fewer calories than cupcakes - YAY! I LOVE donuts! Will I ever find a job?.. And so I go on and on an on. Still, in the last few months it has seemed to help me feel less anxious on a day-to-day basis.

Other than feeling blah and unmotivated, I am having a great Monday - I've had plenty of coffee AND a cupcake!

On a lighter note, here's the card I made for Scott for his milestone birthday:

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The Blah Zone + photos